Nine Months Later

Wow.

The past nine and a half months have gone by so fast. It's a cliche to say it, but it's so true. I have now had Ayla in my life for the same length of time that I was pregnant with her and I am finally starting to settle in and get used to being a mom.

Since she was born I have started a few blog posts and then deleted them, thinking they weren't creative enough or interesting enough.  I read other mom blogs sometimes and I felt like a failure for not capturing more of Ayla on here.  It was my intention before she was born to do a weekly update on her with pictures and a recap of all the cute things she was doing. Now, when I look back, I can remember the big milestones and some of the cute little things she did, but most of it is gone from my memory. I have not written a blog post since I posted her birth story but I realized that it's best to just keep writing, even if it has almost been a year and even if I haven't done consistent updates.

I've been dealing with the "mom guilt" that seems to be inherent in most of us. I wish that we could all just be easier on ourselves, but it can be so hard to do that. I've felt guilty about so many things, and in our generation of Pinterest and Mommy Blogs it is easy to feel like we aren't measuring up.

I was struck with the realization the other day that, instead of blogging about being a mom, I have been busy being a mom. It's okay that I haven't done a million cute projects and documented every second of my daughter's life. I was a little busy comforting a colicky baby for the first four months of her life. Holding her all day and nursing on demand. I would bounce her, sing to her, and walk with her all around the house while she screamed. I was busy holding her during almost every nap for seven months because she screamed when I tried to lay her down and I couldn't bear to let her. I was busy trying to deal with postpartum depression, the stress that inevitably hits a marriage when you have a new baby, extreme sleep deprivation, and going to school a few evenings a week when Ayla was two months old.

Ayla just started sleeping through the night this week, and I feel like a completely new person. I feel like we are entering a new phase where she is capable of a little more independence and therefore I will have a little more me time. Since getting more sleep I have more energy to write. There are a lot of things I need to get out. This has been the most difficult and incredible year of my life and I feel the need to be really honest about it and share it. I don't have the desire to be the perfect Pinterest mommy. I'm just me. I'm imperfect, but I love my daughter and I'm trying every day to be a better person, to let go of my selfishness, and to be really present with her.