My due date came and went. I knew there wasn’t a big chance she would be born right on the 19th, so I just kept trying to be patient even though I was starting to get anxious to meet her. I was done with school and work and I spent the last week and a half before she was born watching movies and eating good food and enjoying some me time. I was starting to wonder when she would make an appearance, and with every little Braxton Hicks contraction or twinge I wondered if this could be it. Then finally on Friday, March 23rd at around 4:45 a.m. I woke up feeling nauseated and strange. Then I felt something go all the way around my back, and then I felt it again a few minutes later. I was pretty sure this was it. I started getting really excited even though I was in a little bit of denial and didn’t want to get my hopes up. I let Brodie sleep for about another hour and then I woke him up and told him it was time. He wasn’t able to go back to sleep and he joined me upstairs in the living room. The contractions were coming every five to six minutes and lasting about thirty to forty-five seconds each.
I was so excited and full of anticipation of what the birth would be like and how long it would take. We had taken a Hypnobirthing class and I had read a lot about natural childbirth. I felt ready and up for the challenge. I called our midwife, Adrienne, just to give her a heads up and to make sure I knew when I should come in to the birth center. She told me to come in when the contractions were about three minutes apart and lasting for a minute. I knew I still had a little while, so I kept laboring at home. I listened to my Hypnobirthing CD a few times and did some deep breathing exercises and had Brodie do some light touch massage on my back. As the contractions started getting more intense I used some visualization techniques that really helped me get through each one. We started timing the contractions using an app on Brodie’s IPhone and I started getting nervous because they were pretty irregular and not lasting for very long. I started getting impatient but kept doing my breathing and visualization.
I kept it up at home and did pretty well until about 2:00 p.m. I sent Brodie out to get a smoothie for me, and by that point I couldn’t handle being upstairs in the living room watching T.V. anymore. I needed to go to our dark and cool room in the basement. The contractions started getting more intense and I felt them all in my back. I got to the point where I needed to be on hands and knees during each one and I started having feelings of “I can’t do this”. I started needing to make these low primal moaning sounds during each contraction. When Brodie got home I had him press on my back and I was doing okay, but I was really starting to doubt myself. It was nine hours in and I was getting frustrated. I started to panic a little bit and I told him I thought I needed to go to the hospital and get an epidural. I still really wanted to try to do it naturally, but I was having a really hard time. I begged him to call Adrienne and ask her what I should do. She told him to bring me into the birth center in half an hour and she would check me out. She said that she would probably end up sending me home but that I should come in anyway. I managed to take a warm shower and we got ready to go.
We got there by about 3:30 p.m. and I had a few contractions while I was there that were hard for me to get through. She checked my cervix and I was only one and a half centimeters dilated! She talked me through my contractions and also said that they had something for the pain if I needed it. She thought it might help me relax and go home and sleep. I accepted the offer and she gave me a shot in the hip of a muscle relaxer and morphine. I also asked her what would happen if I really needed to transfer to the hospital. She said that if that’s what I needed then it would be okay. She said if I was serious then they would listen to me and make that happen. She also said she thought I could do it without going to the hospital. We left around 5 and headed home. I called my mom and told her I was struggling and thought I needed to go to the hospital. She told me to listen to my body and do what I needed to do, even if that meant getting an epidural.
For the next couple of hours I got into a groove. The medication really didn’t do much for the pain. I did feel slightly more relaxed, but not much. The contractions were about three and a half minutes apart and lasting for about a minute, and I got on hands and knees, moved my hips, moaned, and had Brodie press on my back. During the contractions I did okay but then I started panicking in between. I started begging to go to the hospital again. We had already paid for the birth center and would have to pay thousands of dollars more if I went. The money was a legitimate concern of Brodie’s, and he also knew how much I wanted to do it naturally, so he kept doing what he had been trained to do, which was to tell me I was doing great and remind me that I could do it. He was so supportive and he did everything right but I still knew what my body needed, and that was to go to the hospital. I started really freaking out at that point. I started yelling at him to please call Adrienne and tell her what my plan was. I told him he didn’t understand, and that I needed to talk to someone who could support my decision. He was just doing what he thought he should do, but at that point I felt so scared and alone.
He kept telling me we would call her after the next contraction. I finally grabbed his phone and called her myself. I told her that I really thought I would do better at the hospital, and she said that I should come back in and she would check me again. She said sometimes when women have progressed a little it gives them the strength to continue.
We arrived at the birth center about 8:00 p.m. (15 hours in). I continued being on hands and knees and moving the way that felt good to me. She checked my cervix again and I was only at a three! I was so discouraged and it made me want to go to the hospital even more. Eventually I got into the warm tub, and it felt so amazing. It was calming and helped with the pain, but because I was, at that point, 17 hours into back labor I was really panicking in between each contraction and I told the birth assistant, Renee, that I needed to go to the hospital and I was serious. She said okay and that she would let Adrienne know. Part of me felt so guilty that I couldn’t do it the way I had planned, but I also had a feeling it’s what my body needed to be able to relax and open. Adrienne and Renee really helped me feel like I was making the right decision for my body, and I did not feel judged by them at all, even though they are for natural birth. They were so great. I think when Brodie saw them being supportive of my decision it helped him relax about it as well.
I felt such a sense of relief and that there was an end in sight. I also knew that it would take a little while for us to get there and get the epidural, and I probably would have to get through about 10 more contractions. At the time that seemed impossible. It took a little while for Adrienne to call the hospital and send them my information, and then we got ready to go at about 11:30. The ride over there seemed like it took 2 hours. I made it through the contractions as best as I could, but I was really struggling. When we arrived and got out of the car another one hit and I went down on the cement parking lot to hands and knees and moaned loudly. It must have been entertaining for the people walking by, but I didn’t care at that point. They wheeled me into the hospital and I was able to go straight to the room. I knew my relief was coming soon, and Adrienne helped me stay focused and get through the rest of the contractions. Soon after we got into the room I vomited. It was awful, but Adrienne reminded me that it was all part of it, that it was normal. The anesthesiologist came in soon after that and all my fears about getting an epidural went right out the window. Even if he would have had to jab me in the spine at that point I would have taken it. It wasn’t that bad and I really couldn’t even feel it going in. It took about 15 minutes or so to kick in, but when it did I felt like a completely different person. I was chatting and making jokes and I’ve never felt more relieved. I knew I had made the right decision. At that point it was past midnight and officially Brodie’s birthday! It was fun to know that he and our little girl would share the same birthday.
Adrienne stayed for a little while after that and we talked more about my decision. The nurse asked me what I wanted for the birth, and I told her we wanted skin to skin contact, delayed umbilical cord cutting, we wanted to keep the placenta, and we wanted to keep the baby in the room with us. The hospital we chose is very baby friendly and there is a midwife group there that I chose to work with. I was happy that I could keep some things in my plan. Adrienne left soon after that, and I continued to feel amazing and relaxed and excited about meeting my baby. The midwife on call, Peggy, came in and let me know that she thought I needed some Pitocin to move things along. I was fine with it at that point. She gave me small doses throughout the night and my contractions continued to be irregular for a little while, and then started to get closer together. I wasn’t able to sleep much, and at 7 a.m. Peggy came in and asked if she could check my cervix. I was nervous. I did not want to hear that I was only at a 4 or 5. She checked me and reported I was at a 10! The epidural they gave me was great because I could still feel my legs, and they told me I would still be able to feel myself push. I really wanted to have that experience. Because the baby was so low and I was fully dilated I really started feeling the contractions again, but this time I handled them a lot better. I did my breathing and visualization, and soon it would be time to push.
They had had a shift change, and the new midwife Celeste came in. I started feeling a lot of pressure and I started to really focus. Renee from the birth center came to be our doula, and she was so great and so supportive. She took some amazing photos and really helped me focus. Brodie was amazing as well. He held my hand, rubbed my back, and was gentle and encouraging. The midwife told me I could push in whatever position I wanted to. I started off with the bed elevated and with a pushing bar. Then I was feeling it so much in my back that I went on hands and knees. I was really focusing, but I was also not really relaxing in between and they kept reminding me to breathe. I was getting really aggressive and determined to get her out. The thought briefly crossed my mind that it would be nice to have a C-section and just get it over with, but I pushed that thought out of my mind and continued to focus. The pain was so much different than the earlier contraction pain. Besides the sensations I was feeling in my back I wouldn’t even really call it pain. It was hard work, but I felt like I was accomplishing something and that I was in charge instead of feeling like a victim like I had with my earlier contractions. It felt really good. Celeste let me know that there was some meconium, so she called in the pediatrics team to be ready to help the baby out. They all came in but I didn’t even really notice. After a few minutes she told them it would still be awhile and that they could wait outside. I said “Oh my God are you serious!?!?” and everyone laughed. She told me that I was getting close but that they still had a while for what they needed to do. I wanted her to come out so badly. While pushing on my side her heart rate started to drop and they gave me some oxygen and reminded me that I needed to breathe. I did and they baby responded really well to it. She kept moving further and further down. I reached down and felt her head. It only took a couple more pushes and I could feel her head moving out, then her shoulders, and finally with one big push I felt her whole body come out and it was the biggest sense of relief. I will never forget the feeling. They put her on my chest immediately and she was so warm and slippery and beautiful. I felt overwhelmed and in shock and really emotional. It seemed surreal, and at first I didn’t make the connection that this was actually MY baby, that she had just come out of me. It took a little while to feel connected because it was just so intense. She started crying and I started crying and I looked at Brodie and he was crying.
Someone from the Pediatrics team checked her out and had to take her a few minutes later. They kept her in the same room and suctioned out the meconium and worked on her lungs. I started shaking uncontrollably, and I started feeling intense pain. The midwife told me I had torn and I was also bleeding a lot. They stuck a shot of Pitocin in my hip and I told her how much pain I was in. The anesthesiologist came in and gave me more epidural medicine, and also some lydocane. They also gave me some Fentynyl in my I.V. so I was pretty drugged up at that point. I couldn’t feel my legs for the next three hours. The midwife pressed on my uterus and I almost hit her. That was worse pain than childbirth. She started stitching me up and said it was about a one degree tear and not too bad. I was still shaking really badly. They took the baby out of the room to get checked out and let Brodie go with her. I was on a high and soon Celeste was done with the stitches and they brought Ayla back to me. She was ready to eat, and latched on immediately! It was so amazing. It was incredible to me that this was the little creature who had been growing inside of me, whose kicks and rolls and jabs I had come to know and love over the last few months. This moment of meeting her was even better than I could have imagined.
For the most part I do not regret my decision to go to the hospital. I listened to my body and that’s what it needed to be able to relax and bring my baby to me. I will never ever judge someone else for wanting to get an epidural. I know that it’s possible to give birth naturally, and that some people don’t even feel much pain during childbirth, but that just wasn’t in the cards for me this time. This labor was so extremely different from the one I had pictured, but isn’t that the way life always is? The end result, a healthy and beautiful baby girl, was what really mattered. I tried really hard. I gave it a good 19 hours before I had the epidural and I feel proud of that. I’m also proud of the fact that I felt myself push my baby out and that I had to work hard for that. I look forward to sharing this story with Ayla someday and I hope she will learn to always listen to herself and do what’s right for her, even if it means changing a plan or going against what you thought you wanted.
