The Help, Pomegranate Cookies, and a Beautiful Baby Room

I sort of feel like I'm on moderate bedrest. Because of my pain I can't do much right now. I tried walking again on Natalie's treadmill on Wednesday. I went VERY slowly and didn't feel much pain during the workout, but felt worse afterward, so I'm wondering if walking is even too much for me. It bums me out. I'm nervous that my body won't be strong enough to really get through natural childbirth. Starting the Hypnobirthing class in a few weeks will probably help me let go of a lot of this anxiety.

The pain combined with having a few days off work has contributed to me parking my pregnant ass on our recliner couch. It's nice in a way but I know it's going to get old. I rented The Help from Redbox, which I've been waiting to see. I loved it. I loved the book as well and think they did a great job with the movie. I highly recommend it!

I plan on resting more today, getting a massage and then making these cookies for Stephanie's birthday party tonight:

recipe can be found here:

http://www.twopeasandtheirpod.com/pomegranate-white-chocolate-chunk-cookies/

I made these last year and everyone went crazy for them. Natalie specifically requested these again for the party tonight. I will try to save most of them for the party...but I'm not making any promises. Couch-ridden, bored, and hungry pregnant ladies can't always be trusted around such deliciousness.

On another note, we FINALLY finished the baby room walls. I've been wanting to do this for weeks and I'm really happy with how they turned out. Brodie did the majority of the work. I came up with the idea, and the artist of the family made it happen. I think it's adorable and whimsical and perfect for our little girl.

Here is the project in the beginning stages:

Creating trees from tape:

Paint:

And the finished wall!

Here is the fabric I am planning on using for the blanket and other things:

We still have a lot to do to finish the room. My goal is to have it done by my baby shower in mid-February so that we can have a few weeks to chill before our baby gets here. I can't wait to see her in the room!

A Healthy Pregnancy=Balance, Mindfulness, and Letting Go of Trying to Be Perfect

I shortened my "birth plan" entry and took out the stuff about my road to healthy eating and wellness. I wanted to shorten that post and have it just focus on the birth plan, and then write a separate entry all about having a healthy pregnancy because I realized there was more I wanted to say. SO I took it out of that post and added it below, as well as some other stuff.

I started getting into natural and alternative health shortly after high school. I started paying attention to what I was eating and learning more about nutrition and how it can affect us in a negative or positive way. I have always been very physically sensitive, with stomach problems, low energy, and getting sick a lot. Back in Jr. High I was the candy and junk food queen! That time in my life was so traumatic that I honestly think I ate junk as a drug, as a way of getting through all of my anxiety. I have struggled off and on with overeating as a way to comfort myself, but for the most part my diet is very balanced now. I noticed a big difference in my moods and energy level when I started cleaning up my diet and being more mindful of my choices. I firmly believe in indgulging every once in a while though. It's all about balance. I have gone to both extremes. From eating the most terrible stuff out there to obsessively eating only the best and being very restrictive and rigid. Neither extreme is healthy. The mental stress that comes from trying to be perfect all the time is exhausting. Interestingly, during this pregnancy I have eaten more fast food and candy and other things I wouldn't normally eat. I have only eaten these things a few times, but it has been collectively more than I have eaten in years. I have felt so guilty! But at the same time I feel like it is balancing me out a little. I am trying to do the best I can with my diet, and I'm trying to choose things that are good for the development of my baby, but I have also decided that if I eat the ocassional "bad" food item my baby isn't going to grow horns. I do feel that food is fuel, and I'm trying to fuel my body with things like fruits, vegetables, whole grains, yogurt, lean meat, nuts, and beans. I just can't stay in such an extreme place of trying to be perfect. It has been good for me to relax a little bit. Sometimes mommy needs to eat a candy bar! Sorry baby.

I do feel that these indulgences should be occasional, because if it gets too out of control you aren't going to feel healthy and strong enough to get through pregnancy and labor, and then transition into the exciting but sometimes stressful phase of new motherhood. If you aren't taking care of yourself you aren't going to be able to function the way you need to. In our society we tend to think that pregnancy is an excuse to eat whatever you want, but shouldn't you care more about what you are putting into your body during pregnancy? You are growing a little person, and they deserve to be fed well and nourished. So do you. I am not saying any of this to be judgmental, because I know how hard it is to keep eating under control during pregnancy. In the last couple of weeks I have had so many more cravings, and have had to stop myself on a daily basis from pigging out on a whole pint of ice cream. I'm just trying to keep it all in check, and not because I don't want to gain too much weight. I will gain as much as my baby needs me to gain, but I would like the weight to come from high quality foods.

Aside from diet, I have also found exercise to be extremely helpful with my anxiety and energy level. I have tried different things throughout the years, and have settled on yoga and walking as my current favorites. I do like the occasional weightlifting and toning regimen, and I plan on doing some water aerobics in the third trimester. I would also like to train for another half marathon after I have the baby and recover. Being mindful of diet and exercise, for me, is not about an obsession with being a certain weight. It is about taking care of my body so that it can do what it needs to do and function at its highest level.

(This stuff was written before I realized I was having pubis symphasis issues, so now my exercise routine is very slooooow walking a few times a week. I can't do all of the intense squats and lunges I was doing from my yoga DVD, but for now it is fine. I have been resting and trying to relax and let it all go)

I have learned that there is no need to be obsessive. That only leads to stress and over-eating and guilt, and then the cycle repeats itself. As long as about 80-90% of the foods you are choosing are healthy, then the occasional indulgence isn't going to hurt anyone. Same thing with exercise. If you can find a type of exercise that is enjoyable to you, and then you do that a few times a week, you're good. I believe that these things can help you deal with the stress and physical discomfort of pregnancy, and help get you ready for labor and delivery. Keeping it simple and balanced leads to the best results and the least amount of mental anguish and stress.

Getting Over the Shock and Preparing For My Girl

This is my little girl.

Before this ultrasound I was convinced we were having a boy. Of course I thought of the possibility of it being a girl but I thought my intuition was preparing me for a boy. I told most people what I thought and I had visions of a little mini version of Brodie. I created this fantasy and got attached to it. The vision was so strong that I could even picture it when he was a teenager and an adult. I felt like I knew.

So the day of the "big ultrasound" came and we saw the first images up on the screen. We immediately saw a cute little baby profile and a couple of minutes later the technician typed in the word "girl". I was completely shocked! as can be witnessed here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_dS4svYOjE&feature=g-upl

I continued to be in shock but got over it when the technician told us that everything looked good, and we could see her kicking and see her cute profile. For the rest of that evening I was in a daze. I had to shift gears. Brodie said that he had always had a feeling deep down that it would be a girl. We went out to eat and I saw a couple of cute baby girls and could start to picture us with one.

Of course I knew I would be happy either way, but part of me was a little nervous as well. It felt daunting to me to raise a girl. There is so much in the media that is skewed and leads to body image issues. There is much more pressure placed on girls by society these days to look a certain way or act a certain way. I feel like it's even worse now than when I was growing up. Having a boy felt like it would somehow be easier. Having a girl felt like more responsibility for me. I remember what it was like to be an insecure teenage girl and didn't know if I could watch my child go through it.

I've worked through a lot of this over the last eight weeks, and now can't imagine having a boy. I know that my girl will have her own path that I need to respect, but my hope for her is that she learns to be strong and not be defined by her looks. I want to teach her to take really good care of her body and to love it for the amazing things it can do. I don't ever want her to feel like she's somehow not good enough. I also want her to develop her mind and learn to see through all of the crap that is in our society regarding women. I want her to learn to listen to herself and to figure out what she is passionate about and then go for it, no matter what others may tell her. I really dislike the whole princess thing, but I want to be careful about being too strict about it. If she wants to be a princess then I would at least hope that she also develops a strong sense of who she is. Why can't she do both? I think little girls can be all things. The can love pink, do karate, play soccer, love to dress up, and be smart and feisty.

Learning that I will be having a girl has definitely brought up some issues for me about how I felt when I was growing up, and I need to separate that from my child so that I don't end up projecting a bunch of stuff on her. She can be whatever she wants to be. I hope that I can instill in her some good values and a sense of strength and healthy self-esteem, but at the same time I don't want to control her too much. I will love her no matter what she chooses to do in this life. I have worked through a lot of insecurity and body image issues, and for the most part I feel pretty comfortable being me. Overall, I love being a woman and can't wait to share the experience with my little girl.

Pubis Symphasis Diastasis (or really annoying pain every time I move)

I am definitely learning to listen to my body better. I honestly thought that I was pretty aware and was taking good care of myself. I still managed, however, to do something weird to the pelvic area of my body. It could be a strained ligament or muscle, or it could be related to the bone. This is known as Pubis Symphasis Diastasis. It happens when the pubic bone, which has cartilage in the middle, separates. If this is what it is, it's going to stick around until after I give birth. Yay. Fourteen more weeks of pain every time I get up from sitting down, turn over in bed, or sometimes when I walk.

This is a common complaint during pregnancy. Everything gets a little more relaxed to prepare for the baby to come out, and so you are more likely to overstretch or strain something. This is something I was aware of, having gone through a Prenatal yoga certification, but I still managed to injure myself. I'm not sure exactly how it happened. My pain started the day after Thanksgiving, and I had done a prenatal yoga DVD the day before. It is designed for pregnant women but is still pretty intense, so I'm thinking I just moved in or out of a pose in a weird way, or overstretched. I realize now that the situation was made worse in my Thai Massage workshop the next week end. They did some stuff on me that I wasn't entirely comfortable with, and that is normally contraindicated for pregnancy. There were some things we avoided, and the teacher kept checking in to see how I felt, but I think some of what we did was just too much for me. I have spent my entire pregnancy being so cautious, and I decided that I didn't want to be so paranoid and I could stop if I felt any pain. I thought it was okay. I didn't feel alot of pain during class but I did notice that I was more sore when I got home and now I know that it exacerbated the injury.

I didn't realize it was an injury until a couple of days ago. I just thought it was the ligaments stretching, and I didn't want to complain about every little thing. I finally stopped and really thought about it, and realized what it was. I've been kind of mad at myself over the last couple of days. Why did I ingore what my body was telling me? I felt like a failure, and like a bad mom already. I know that is a little dramatic, but it was just something that came up for me that I had to work through. So now I know that I need to slow down, but it's not like I was out running marathons. I thought I was taking good care of myself, and I was exercising so that my baby and I could stay healthy and I could prepare for birth. My best exercise option at this point is walking at a moderate pace, and I will just have to be okay with that. Sometimes it's hard to be okay with slowing down. We feel like we have to keep pushing, and that if we relax then we aren't accomplishing enough. Well, at this point I know that my job is to take it easy, and nurture myself and my baby girl. So I will do what physical activity I can, and then chill out. I want to do more meditation, and I'm really looking forward to starting Hypnobirthing. I am thankful to my body for telling me it's time to slow down, and for growing this healthy little baby. I want to treat it right and realize that I am limited right now and that's okay.

The Yoga Conflict

I have been struggling with this a lot in the last few weeks. Well, if I'm being honest I've struggled with it ever since I did my teacher training. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in to the yoga world, and what my role might or might not be. I do know that I absolutely believe in the benefits of yoga. I have experienced them firsthand. I plan on continuing to strengthen my yoga practice for the rest of my life. It offers me peace, presence, calm, and a way to quiet the constant chatter in my mind. The physical benefits are wonderful as well. I am not conflicted about whether I want to practice yoga or not, but I am questioning whether or not I want to teach it.

I decided to cancel my prenatal class this week after five weeks of having an empty class. I know that getting a class started can take a really long time, and if I had extra money to put into the rental space I might be more prepared to stick it out. The studio I was renting from offered me a very generous trade that involved Brodie designing them a logo in exchange for free rental space for one class per week. I was excited to get started again.

When I tried to start the class last year I was unrealistic and I felt a sense of desperation along with it. I was tired of jumping around from low-paying job to low-paying job, and wanted to do something bigger and more meaningful. I was gung-ho from the beginning and wanted to get as many classes started as I could. I had big dreams of someday opening a studio that was specific to Pre and Postnatal yoga. I saw dollar signs. I saw myself helping people and offering them a great service. I saw a way out of my current stalled situation. I have always had a larger-than-life sense of faith built into me that can sometimes manifest itself in very impulsive, unrealistic ways. I borrowed money and flew to North Carolina for a Prenatal training, and my generous husband fronted the money for my start-up business costs and monthly rent. It ended up putting a lot of stress on our new marriage, mostly because of my inability to handle it when I feel like anyone is trying to tell me what to do. I have zero tolerance for it, especially if it involves something I'm passionate about. He was involved financially, and had some ideas and some slight criticism about the way I was doing things. I often overreacted and things got ugly. We made it through that, but I still carry some guilt about the way I handled it. I shot off like a rocket at the beginning of trying to start the business, and then characteristically fizzled out shortly thereafter. I started to absolutely hate it. I decided to stop the class and work as a Nanny for the Summer for the same family I had taken care of for the past two Summers, with the intention of starting the class back up again in the Fall.

I found out I was pregnant in July, and started thinking about doing the class again. I tried to do a couple of yoga workshops over the Summer, but when it came time to actually do them I was terrified. I did not feel ready to give workshops. What if I made a complete fool out of myself? I did not feel like I had any authority or any business offering a workshop. I was almost glad that no one signed up. I decided to start a class again in Novemeber, but I had limited time because of school in the evenings. I had been practicing Prenatal yoga on my own, and was excited about sharing it with people. I had a much more realistic and calm energy going into it this time around. The trade they offered seemed like a great idea. But I soon found the same old feelings coming back. I loved the idea of the class, but I dreaded doing the work it would take to get people in the class, and I found that I actually dreaded the teaching part as well. Some of the same issues in our marriage came up again, and I decided it wasn't worth it. With work and school and pregnancy I just didn't have the energy, and actually those things may just be excuses. I have had to ask myself whether I am just afraid of teaching and it is something I can get over, or if maybe it just isn't the right thing for me.

I've heard that it can take about a year for a new class to catch on in the community. Our trade would be up in March, and then if I wanted to keep the class going I would need to pay for the monthly rent and there is no way we will be able to afford that after the baby is here. So I decided that since the class would be stopping in three months anyway that I was done. I feel more realistic about it now. It feels good to be honest with myself about it, but I have to admit that I feel a little sad and a little conflicted. I love the idea of being a yoga teacher, but I just don't know if it is part of my path. I absolutely loved every minute of my teacher training and I do not regret it. I will stay open to the possibility of teaching in the future. Maybe the timing is just off for me. I will keep my own practice going and keep listening to myself to determine what the right thing is. I guess I will need to change the name of the blog....

The Birth Plan

This is a post I have been wanting to write for a little while, but I wanted to do it in the right way. I don't want it to come across as preachy at all. I believe that every woman needs to decide what is right for her as far as the birth of her child. It's such a personal decision and there are so many different options. My birth "plan" (because I know that I could end up needing interventions if necessary) is something I put a lot of thought into. I started thinking about it even before I was pregnant. Brodie has heard more than he probably ever thought he would about birth! He has been very supportive though, and I feel lucky. This post is designed only to share my philosophy about birth and what I decided would work best for me.

My interest in nutrition and natural health led me to look more into natural birth options. I started thinking of birth as a sacred rite of passage, one that I wanted to be present for and really feel. I started reading more about hospital interventions, and realized that although they are sometimes medically necessary, they are definitely overused in our society. I am so glad that in a dangerous situation there are some amazing things doctors can do to keep mom and baby safe and healthy, but I decided I didn't want any interventions if I didn't really need them. I wanted to spend my pregnancy preparing myself for a natural birth, much the same as preparing for a marathon. I wanted my body and mind to be strong enough to endure it. I believe that if a woman chooses to she can get herself into a mental state that is calm and present enough to get through it. I didn't want to be groggy and removed from the most special and important moments of my life. I also didn't want to be confined to the bed hooked up to monitors. I wanted to be able to get up and move around in a way that feels good for my body. It really goes against gravity to deliver the baby while laying on your back. So (TMI) squatting in the birthing tub is probably the way I'm going to deliver. I love a challenge, and this will surely be the biggest one I've ever faced.

We decided to deliver at The Birth Center in Murray, and so far I am so glad we made that decision. They have been so great, and I'm excited to be in a place where everyone shares the same ideas about birth. I am planning on a water birth, unless it doesn't feel right or comfortable to me to deliver in the tub. I at least want to do some of my laboring in there because it sounds like it would feel really good. I also understand that I may end up transfering to the hospital. It isn't likely, but it is always a possibility and I will trust the midwives in making that decision and will try to just go with the flow.

We have signed up for a Hypnobirthing class that starts in January and are really excited! It is a method of preparing for birth that uses deep relaxation, meditation, and self-hypnosis. I am so glad that Brodie is not freaked out by any of this. He has been very involved and supportive of my wishes. I envision this day to be such a special and intimate one for us, and I really want to create a calm, peaceful atmosphere for our little girl to come into the world. I have found myself being very protective about this sacred experience. Everyone is so different with what they want. Some people would love to have everyone they know there for all of it, but that isn't what I wanted. I really feel like this day is just for the three of us. I thought about it a lot, and worried about hurting people's feelings, but ultimately decided on what was best for us. I've asked that we be alone for the first day, and then after that everyone is welcome! Even having everyone nervously pacing the waiting room waiting to burst in and meet the baby was too much for me. I wanted to protect our bonding time as a new little family. We also only have four hours at The Birth Center after she is born and then we have to go home, so I wanted to just be able to go home and cuddle with her and sleep and bond. Then after that I am so excited for everyone to meet her and would love to share it with them. I am extremely close with my family and can't wait to see them hold her for the first time! Everyone has been very supportive of this decision and I am grateful that we have the families we have.

I don't want to overplan and try to control every detail, but I do have an outline of what I want. I know that the experience will probably end up being different than I think it's going to be, and we are both staying open while trying to prepare as much as we can. We have just over three months left, and I get more and more excited every day.

24 weeks

Brodie took this picture last week, but being the procrastinator that I am, I am just posting it now when I am almost 25 weeks. Oh well.

It has been a pretty good week. Baby is still making her presence known with lots of rolling and kicking and jabbing. One of our favorite things to do lately is to pull up my shirt and watch her move around like a little fish in there. Creepy and amazing at the same time

We hosted our first Thanksgiving and it was a success! I made my first turkey, and it actually turned out very well. I found a recipe while watching America's Test Kitchen the week before, and just decided to go for it and was shocked that it turned out so good. The recipe can be found here:

http://www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/detail.php?docid=20850&extcode=M**ASCA00

My mom, Bill, James, Natalie, Josh, and my Dad came over and it was fun to have a small group-less pressure for the chef! I did have help with the other dishes, and my mom helped me pull everything together at the end. Overall it was a great day.

I also attended a week end class for Thai Massage yesterday and Friday. It was so cool. I am really looking forward to practicing this modality more. On the first day I got sick and dizzy from having this style of massage done on me, but then for some reason yesterday was much better. It can get a little intense with lots of compressions which during pregnancy can make you feel even more dizzy than you already feel. My partner eased up the pressure a bit yesterday, and it ended up just feeling amazing.

We have started working on baby's nursery (finally!) and I will do a separate post with lots of pictures. Brodie is in her room right now taping off some aspen trees that we are going to paint over in gray. I think it will be really cute, and I can't believe we are doing this for our actual daughter....who will be here in three and a half months! It's too crazy to believe, but it also feels very natural.

I have been experiencing a little back pain and hip pain, but nothing too bad. I'm also experiencing pain in my kidneys, which is definitely not fun but at this stage of pregnancy aches and pains are just part of the package, and I would not trade any of it. (get back to me in the middle of attempting natural childbirth and ask me if I still feel that way) Overall, I think the exercise and yoga have helped me have a relatively comfortable and easy pregnancy. I know that after the holidays the time is going to go by so fast and then she will almost be here. We are getting so excited and really preparing ourselves as much as we can, even though I know you can't be completely prepared and a lot of it will come after she is here. We signed up for a Hypnobirthing class that starts in January and are very excited. I'm so happy that Brodie understands my plan for birth and is supportive and not freaked out by it (I will write a whole other post on that another time).

Weeks 22 through 24 have been great! 25 weeks starts tomorrow and we are getting more and more ready to meet her everyday.