The Yoga Conflict

I have been struggling with this a lot in the last few weeks. Well, if I'm being honest I've struggled with it ever since I did my teacher training. I'm trying to figure out where I fit in to the yoga world, and what my role might or might not be. I do know that I absolutely believe in the benefits of yoga. I have experienced them firsthand. I plan on continuing to strengthen my yoga practice for the rest of my life. It offers me peace, presence, calm, and a way to quiet the constant chatter in my mind. The physical benefits are wonderful as well. I am not conflicted about whether I want to practice yoga or not, but I am questioning whether or not I want to teach it.

I decided to cancel my prenatal class this week after five weeks of having an empty class. I know that getting a class started can take a really long time, and if I had extra money to put into the rental space I might be more prepared to stick it out. The studio I was renting from offered me a very generous trade that involved Brodie designing them a logo in exchange for free rental space for one class per week. I was excited to get started again.

When I tried to start the class last year I was unrealistic and I felt a sense of desperation along with it. I was tired of jumping around from low-paying job to low-paying job, and wanted to do something bigger and more meaningful. I was gung-ho from the beginning and wanted to get as many classes started as I could. I had big dreams of someday opening a studio that was specific to Pre and Postnatal yoga. I saw dollar signs. I saw myself helping people and offering them a great service. I saw a way out of my current stalled situation. I have always had a larger-than-life sense of faith built into me that can sometimes manifest itself in very impulsive, unrealistic ways. I borrowed money and flew to North Carolina for a Prenatal training, and my generous husband fronted the money for my start-up business costs and monthly rent. It ended up putting a lot of stress on our new marriage, mostly because of my inability to handle it when I feel like anyone is trying to tell me what to do. I have zero tolerance for it, especially if it involves something I'm passionate about. He was involved financially, and had some ideas and some slight criticism about the way I was doing things. I often overreacted and things got ugly. We made it through that, but I still carry some guilt about the way I handled it. I shot off like a rocket at the beginning of trying to start the business, and then characteristically fizzled out shortly thereafter. I started to absolutely hate it. I decided to stop the class and work as a Nanny for the Summer for the same family I had taken care of for the past two Summers, with the intention of starting the class back up again in the Fall.

I found out I was pregnant in July, and started thinking about doing the class again. I tried to do a couple of yoga workshops over the Summer, but when it came time to actually do them I was terrified. I did not feel ready to give workshops. What if I made a complete fool out of myself? I did not feel like I had any authority or any business offering a workshop. I was almost glad that no one signed up. I decided to start a class again in Novemeber, but I had limited time because of school in the evenings. I had been practicing Prenatal yoga on my own, and was excited about sharing it with people. I had a much more realistic and calm energy going into it this time around. The trade they offered seemed like a great idea. But I soon found the same old feelings coming back. I loved the idea of the class, but I dreaded doing the work it would take to get people in the class, and I found that I actually dreaded the teaching part as well. Some of the same issues in our marriage came up again, and I decided it wasn't worth it. With work and school and pregnancy I just didn't have the energy, and actually those things may just be excuses. I have had to ask myself whether I am just afraid of teaching and it is something I can get over, or if maybe it just isn't the right thing for me.

I've heard that it can take about a year for a new class to catch on in the community. Our trade would be up in March, and then if I wanted to keep the class going I would need to pay for the monthly rent and there is no way we will be able to afford that after the baby is here. So I decided that since the class would be stopping in three months anyway that I was done. I feel more realistic about it now. It feels good to be honest with myself about it, but I have to admit that I feel a little sad and a little conflicted. I love the idea of being a yoga teacher, but I just don't know if it is part of my path. I absolutely loved every minute of my teacher training and I do not regret it. I will stay open to the possibility of teaching in the future. Maybe the timing is just off for me. I will keep my own practice going and keep listening to myself to determine what the right thing is. I guess I will need to change the name of the blog....